Mr. Ass-Hole

Before I get started on this, I do want to say that THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT HERE! They are just few and far between. I shall credit my wonderful, loving, supportive, caring husband, my father, my brother, my uncles, and a small group of male friends. But I shall reiterate…they are few and far between.

The reason “why” I call this blog, “Mr. Ass-hole,” is because there are too many of them out here. Too many of them are ruining positive, loving, nurturing relationships. And they are leaving women sour, hurt, upset, and angry; thereby robbing the beauty, kindness, and care from a woman. Henceforth, leaving the next guy (the Good Guy) with a bunch of…(I don't need to finish).

Please note…ASS-HOLES COVER ALL RACES!!! (Ass-holes do include women…but for this blog, I’m addressing men).

Granted, some guy is gonna say, “that’s what you picked, you choose that!” Well, let me tell you something, out here in the dating world (including personal experience), one does not include, “be an Ass-hole,” on the relationship list. Quite the contrary, Ass-holes do not present themselves as Ass-holes. They are…wolves in sheep clothing. They come across genuine, honest, faithful, and considerate. It's called "Da Hook!" How do you think nice guys get sucked in by triflin women??? They are sneaky, and seek out GOOD PEOPLE to use them for their own selfish needs. Ass-holes pretend to be nice…act at being nice, and then turn in Ass-hole later after they’ve “hooked” you in emotionally and/or sexually.

When we look at the black-on-black dating world…let’s face it, the black male quality pool is depleted. If you don’t know why…go research. Therefore, great choices are few and far between. So, the average sistah (if she’s solely into black-on-black relationships) is left picking through a barrel of bad apples, before finding a good one. ALSO, unless you have Ass-hole radar, or have been to “Psychic School,” how would you know?

Ass-hole traits (short-recap…covers ALL RACES)!!!
The following are from many women (different races) have sent to me…

1: Cheats. He’s a liar. Cheating and lying work together…generally a cheater keeps his indiscretions quiet or denies the behavior.
2: Always needs a favor/handout and doesn’t reciprocate. Needs money, place to stay, pay bills, etc.
3: Makes uncaring and offensive statements like, “you should be lucky that I would date you. All men are like this. I’m a man, what do you expect. You’re ugly, fat, etc…”
4: Selfish. He may not cheat, he may not ask for handouts or make rude statements but all he cares about is himself. Basically, he doesn’t take you out on a date, or avoids being seen with you on “prime-time" nights = Friday and Saturday. His idea of a date is coming over to watch a video and “you” ordering pizza. Note, he has plenty of cash flow to hangout on prime-time nights or travel…hmmmm (see #7).
5: Likes to take you out, far, far, away from the city. In the suburbs, or the wilderness. Basically, some back alley where the people look like they are from "The Twilight Zone."
6: Introduces you as “as friend,” or disappears for a period of time when you are at a party or club.
7: Makes frequent trips to Brazil. If you don’t know why…go research.
8: Has a bunch of kids and doesn’t take care of them.

Again…THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT HERE. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many. Let’s keep it real. So how do we change it?

1: If you happen to come across Ass-hole…walk away.
2: Please take the time to recognize the signs before it’s too late and your deep-shit in love with Ass-hole. Therefore, YOU MUST implement #1.
3: Please let Ass-hole know that he/she is an Ass-hole.
4: Please inform others so as to protect them from Ass-hole.

Why should you do this?
1: To stop Ass-hole from influencing his crazy love all over you and leave you an emotional wreck, financially deplete, strung-out pregnant, or a single parent with a bunch of kids.
2: To make Ass-hole shitty behavior public knowledge with the goal that hopefully they will curtail or stop this harmful treatment of others.
3: By telling others, you have now committed an act of community service. Informing the public protects the innocent and the naïve.

Remember, if you don’t put a stop to bad behavior you only encourage and prolong it. Also, other men (who were once good) believe this is the way to act in order to get a woman. BELIEVE ME, I’VE HEARD SOME GUYS SAY THIS. Many guys are saying that they have to act like a “thug” to get a woman. Please, let’s stop the madness!

As for the good guy…treat him with respect. Don’t turn into an “Ass-hole-ess,” once you are not interested or have lost those loving feelings for him. Be honest, sit him down and talk to him. Even write a personal letter (hand-written) to express your thoughts BUT DO include all the positive stuff about his manner. Yeah, he’ll be upset, but at least he’s not gonna walk off saying crap like, “all women are users.” Now he becomes an Ass-hole to the next woman.

Treat him with dignity. If you didn’t want him, give the next woman the opportunity to receive his loving, supportive, caring, and honest treatment.

We got to salvage and market the few good men out here…

But he said, “He Loved Me!”

Haven’t we all heard this one…betcha many of us have said it! About a month ago, I interviewed a sistah for my book, the words…”but he said he loved me,” came up. Granted, she had learned from the past and now associates action with this word, but many of us still don’t. I believe that many of life’s lessons can be avoided if we are informed. If you are not told, then you will experience. Why walk into “dog shit” when someone can tell you that there’s “dog shit” on the road? Hindsight is 20:20…but who is Clairvoyant? Granted, many women are “hard-headed,” and some just love, truly-madly-deeply; then the actions are faded away like "dust in the wind." My statement… like a fart in the wind-LOL. So, as much they experience, or as much as they are told…they keep repeating the same ole emotional turmoil until they learn.

I’m not standing on my high horse and making out that "I’m the know-it-all…" Gosh No! As I work on this book, and interview numerous women, I am constantly learning GREAT ADVICE. As for me, I’ve been hurt also. Back in the day…I dated this fool (I’ll call him Satan). Well, I caught Satan’s ass cheating-TWICE. The second time was the last straw. Suddenly, I turned into "Mike Tyson" and whooped-his-ass! BTW, I’m not a big woman. Cops were called…blah, blah, blah; a real Jerry Springer episode…

Anyway, back to hindsight is 20:20. As a wonderful sistah (book interviewee) told me about the word “love,” that I want to share…

It’s real easy to say, “I love you.” Love is not a word; it’s an action. If you need an example, look to your parents, grandparents and siblings. What they do for you and how they treat you, tells you how they feel. So, when you are with someone, check to make sure that the actions are matching the word. Too many times, women get catch-up in “the word.” Then they get hurt and come back crying with, "but, he said he loved me!"

Are you Booty-Call?

In the dating world, women are categorized into three groups. Booty-call, girlfriend and wife material. Girlfriend can get promoted to wife material or demoted to booty-call. Wife can be demoted to either girlfriend or booty-call, but booty-call will always be booty-call... So, when you’re with someone, ask yourself..."am I wife-material, girlfriend, or booty-call?

A male friend told me this years ago...the best dating advice I "ever" got...

Hater’s Never Win

The other day I was hanging with a male friend and he stated that more and more black women are appearing less feminine, and that we have “an angry” look on our face.

Okay, okay…I was getting angry…but I had to calm myself down. I wanted to know where this brothah was coming from. So, he proceeded to tell me that sistahs aren’t spending the time to fix themselves up…compared to women of other races. We also appear to have a scowl on our face. Okay…okay…calm down… Well I thought about it…and I agreed about the face (for some sistahs). As for looking less feminine…I don’t get it. The last time I looked, the clothing on women were scant. I mean, clothing that barely covers your ass, tits, and your stomach is all out? Don’t get me wrong, I do own a pair of hip-hugging jeans…but to say we’re looking less feminine???

BTW, I do live in metro Atlanta and we were hanging in the city. For those that do not know, Atlanta does have a sizable gay population. Nothing against lesbian sistah’s, but some of these women are “butch.” From what I have seen, butch sistahs generally do not dress sexy (okay..not into scant attire). So, he needs better clarification or education regarding the city that he is in… Let's not forget, the beauty parlor is full of sistahs getting their hair and nails done on a weekly basis.

As for the scowl on the face…well, I have personally met sistah’s who have looked like this, and I myself...went through a period of looking “angry.” Hate to admit when I wrong…but I’ve been wrong. But you know what...this isn't only sistahs, I've seen women of all races look angry. From England to America. I did tell him, that a lot of times the reason why sistah’s look angry is because they are hurt, and they are tired of being hurt. It becomes a revolving cycle…man dogs-out sistah, sistah gets hurt, sistah looks angry, man doesn’t want to approach sistah because she looks angry. Therefore…sistah’s are labeled “angry” (what’s new huh)? So, if men treated sistah’s better, she’d smile, man approaches sistah = happy relationship. Basically, men need to take responsibility for the pain that they cause…it’s not all one-sided. There’s a Ying and Yang in everything…

There is another flip to the story. I’ve seen sistahs looking angry because of "sistah-to-sistah" hate. Yeah, I said it, “sistah-to-sistah” hate. What could be the reason…some dumb crap like; she’s light-skinned, she’s got “good” hair, all the guys want her, "I just hate her because I hate her!" It all boils down to dumb-crap. What are we teaching our children?!?! I grew up in a small town (Bedford, England) and women would cut their eye and suck their teeth as you walked by. In fact, the women in this town are still doing this… Sadly, this has even passed down to the younger generation. These fools are making-up gossip when there is no gossip. GET A JOB, OR READ A DARN BOOK! VOLUNTEER, DO SOMETHING POSITIVE. I can’t stand hateful people. They are the most dumbest, ignorant, bunch of fools. Sadly, my girlfriend of 30+ years is still enduring this crap in our small town.

WORD TO THE WISE: Smile…everyday is hard, but smile. I know, you may attract some “fool” if you smile, but you may miss out on a great relationship… Don’t hate someone because of the way they look, she could have been your best friend. While you’re busy hating, don’t complain when someone else starts hating you. Hater’s never win. You can attract more flies with honey then with vinegar…

I care

Currently only 34 percent of African-American women are married (versus 57 percent of white women), and nearly half of their unions end by the tenth year.
Black women are less likely to marry than whites, Hispanics and even black men, according to Essence Magazine, (August 2005, Robin D. Stone). By the age of 30, only 52 percent of black women will be married compared to 77 percent of Hispanic women and 81 percent of white women. By 40, black women are 5 times more likely to single than white women. Given this fact, how do single black women over the age of 30, feel?
I must say, as I work on this book (I’m not giving out the title yet…), I am honored by the amount of sistah’s that have agreed to participate (I STILL NEED MORE:-). I listen to their joy of not being married, to concern; to hurt and anger…all in all, being a single sistah, over 30, is a process…. The question I always get is…why am I writing this book? Why do I care? Well, I DO care, and I want to do this because I care. I care for many reasons because I wonder if I were to have another child and this is a girl, what about her future??? I look at my close friends and family and some have been so gracious to share their deepest and most sacred moments of not being married…and I care. And then there have been those who just don’t care and have never cared… and I wonder...; I wonder if I were to bring the stories of those that are hurting with those that don’t care, maybe…just maybe…it can create a balance and heal just “one” soul. Maybe, just maybe…it can bring awareness and prevent the emotional turmoil of a precious soul. What do I mean…if you were to listen to someone’s experience (e.g. a bad dating experience) or listen to their advice, maybe you won’t have to walk down the same path and you can avoid the emotional pain and anguish. Just a thought…